Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Film & Animation / Hobbyist Core Member SabrinaFemale/United States Group :iconpony-mon: Pony-Mon
 
Recent Activity
Deviant for 3 Years
5 Month Core Membership
Statistics 770 Deviations 10,561 Comments 45,127 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Favourites

Here's an actually worthwhile question: Is there a certain art technique that you prefer? Does it help you? 

50%
10 deviants said Yes. (If so, please comment!)
30%
6 deviants said No, I'm not really grounded to one technique.
20%
4 deviants said I don't draw.
0%
No deviants said What technique?

Emotional Attachments.

Thu Jan 28, 2016, 12:18 PM
I must apologize for this rant/self exploration journal entry on my deviantArt. This type of writing rarely ever comes out of me through this profile, as this is primarily a place for me to share my art and the occasional video. But I feel a need to release my thoughts and allow others to know how I feel. Again, if you don't like these kind of entries, feel free to pay no mind. I'm not obligating anyone to view content that they don't appreciate.

Now then. Onto the topic at hand.

If any of you have extensively interacted with me on Skype, you will have definitely observed that I am a particularly... if at least slightly negative person. I have a extensive history of depression that, granted I have largely gotten over, but components of it still "haunt" me. I will most likely only observe negative consequences to actions I plan to carry out, yet I am able to see other's problems fairly neutrally.  This makes me largely unable to convey to others what I am actually thinking and feeling the most about due to the fear that I may not be accepted or that nothing will change. (And yet I parade my petty feelings around like nobody's business. What a strange mind I have. >.>)

I am attempting to allow myself to think more positively, however. Mental reasoning and self-analysis have been a part of my routine as of late, and I am trying to keep my complaints to close groups of friends.

However, what I perceive to be the root of my year-long depression has been getting more and more prevalent within the thoughts in my head, which I can only now describe as continuing emotional attachments to those I, no matter how hard I try, cannot stop caring about or it will hurt me.
Even if we don't even talk anymore, if at all.
Even if they in actuality don't even think about me, much less even care.
I still love them like family, no matter how hard I try and let them go.

And sometimes that hurts more than anything.
Knowing I'm not talked to much, but a part of me is always going to need them.

And this overwhelmingly negative mind of mine keeps filling me with beliefs that they will never care. That they won't come back. That I did something. That this is the way the world works.
That like a stuffed animal, I will be played with for a little while...
I will be cared for... given a little bit of hope... loved, even.
And eventually, I will be thrown in a closet to be forgotten.
Sometimes I may be played with.
But that will rarely ever happen.
Eventually, no one will remember me. 
I will be left behind this time just like all the other times I have.
...
But there are these little moments that give me hope... that these people and myself will be inseparable, even if we weren't before.
When they say they care, even if just a little... even if the cycle will end up repeating again..
I have the overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out.
Just knowing I can be there again. For them.
But I just don't want my friendships to dim again.
I know I need help maintaining relationships with people. Feeling safe with those I care about.
I just hope I don't fail this time.
:iconcosmicchrissy: ... :iconanimechristy: ...
Thank you.
For everything.
I won't let you down.


Created at simplydevio.us

deviantID

CatAvenger's Profile Picture
CatAvenger
Sabrina
Artist | Hobbyist | Film & Animation
United States
I'm me. If you don't know who "me" is, get to know me.
I love animating!
Sempais: :icondragonfoxgirl::iconthedoggygal: :iconlopoddity::iconxx-jessiekat-xx::iconisaacs-collar: :iconvivzmind:
Good Friends:
:iconcapslock-mlp::icongeekystev::iconanimechristy::iconsegasister::iconfinnthepony17::iconkeeneye47::iconcosmicchrissy::iconxx-jessiekat-xx: :iconaeonofdreams:
I love this idiot :iconthepokebrony: . :iconblushplz:
CatAvenger Pagedoll by CatAvenger PokeAvenger Pagedoll by CatAvenger

CatAvenger Fan Stamp by CatAvenger
Detective Encounter Fan Stamp by SuperstarEdge96
Interests

Commissions

MLP Blindbag customs
A custom blind bag of whatever pony you choose.
Vectors
Sugar Belle by CatAvenger
PSI Flash by CatAvenger
Dusknoir by CatAvenger
Single character vectors of whoever or whatever you please, just no overtly sexual or violent themes. 
Additional characters will add a cost of 100 points.
MLP Brushable Customs
GoldenFox Custom by CatAvenger
Voice of Reason Custom by CatAvenger
An MLP custom brushable with sculpted hair of any pony you please.

Donate

CatAvenger has started a donation pool!
820 / 4,000
I would perhaps like a premium membership for a little while. If anyone would like to donate, I would very much appreciate it. You don't have to feel obligated to. ^^

You must be logged in to donate.

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconwarsadlepony:
WarsadlePony Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Hello, it's ICE to meet you!
Reply
:iconcatavenger:
CatAvenger Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Filmographer
Hello!
Reply
:iconmonsterkirby:
MonsterKirby Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the favorite
Reply
:iconcatavenger:
CatAvenger Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Hobbyist Filmographer
Of course.
Reply
:iconfiretype55:
Firetype55 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2016  Student General Artist
Thank you for adding my art to your favorites! :D 
Reply
:iconcatavenger:
CatAvenger Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2016  Hobbyist Filmographer
Of course.
Reply
Hidden by Commenter
Hidden by Commenter
Hidden by Commenter
Add a Comment: