I must apologize for this rant/self exploration journal entry on my deviantArt. This type of writing rarely ever comes out of me through this profile, as this is primarily a place for me to share my art and the occasional video. But I feel a need to release my thoughts and allow others to know how I feel. Again, if you don't like these kind of entries, feel free to pay no mind. I'm not obligating anyone to view content that they don't appreciate.
Now then. Onto the topic at hand.
If any of you have extensively interacted with me on Skype, you will have definitely observed that I am a particularly... if at least slightly negative person. I have a extensive history of depression that, granted I have largely gotten over, but components of it still "haunt" me. I will most likely only observe negative consequences to actions I plan to carry out, yet I am able to see other's problems fairly neutrally. This makes me largely unable to convey to others what I am actually
thinking and feeling the most about due to the fear that I may not be accepted or that nothing will change. (And yet I parade my petty feelings around like nobody's business. What a strange mind I have. >.>)
I am attempting to allow myself to think more positively, however. Mental reasoning and self-analysis have been a part of my routine as of late, and I am trying to keep my complaints to close groups of friends.
However, what I perceive to be the root of my year-long depression has been getting more and more prevalent within the thoughts in my head, which I can only now describe as continuing emotional attachments to those I, no matter how hard I try, cannot stop caring about or it will hurt me.
Even if we don't even talk anymore, if at all.
Even if they in actuality don't even think about me, much less even care.
I still love them like family, no matter how hard I try and let them go.
And sometimes that hurts more than anything.
Knowing I'm not talked to much, but a part of me is always going to need them.
And this overwhelmingly negative mind of mine keeps filling me with beliefs that they will never care. That they won't come back. That I did something. That this is the way the world works.
That like a stuffed animal, I will be played with for a little while...
I will be cared for... given a little bit of hope... loved, even.
And eventually, I will be thrown in a closet to be forgotten.
Sometimes I may be played with.
But that will rarely ever happen.
Eventually, no one will remember me.
I will be left behind this time just like all the other times I have.
But there are these little moments that give me hope... that these people and myself will be inseparable, even if we weren't before.
When they say they care, even if just a little... even if the cycle will end up repeating again..
I have the overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out.
Just knowing I can be there again. For them.
But I just don't want my friendships to dim again.
I know I need help maintaining relationships with people. Feeling safe with those I care about.
I just hope I don't fail this time.
I won't let you down.